Just DON'T Do It...

Co-Titled "Yes, I bought the sense of entitlement package with my membership."

There is little to nothing more annoying to me than to show up at the gym and every machine I could possibly want to use is occupied by a herd of chicks marinated in enough perfume to kill a small yak.

But, what can I say, tis the season.

Since I took it upon myself to fulfill my entire liquid requirements yesterday evening with champagne (note to self:  buy better champagne), I'm feeling a little bitter (read:  bitchy) today.  I'm totally not looking forward to going down to the gym because it's pretty safe to say that one of "those" people will be there.  So, in effort to curb future annoyances, I figured I would throw together a comprehensive list of ways you can piss me off at the gym.

1. If you can smell it, it's only going to get worse after you warm up.  That Bath and Body Works basket your Aunt regifted to you probably smells cheap lovely in normal situations, however, body heat is notorious for amplifying scents.  So, before you "freshen up" your fragrance in the locker room, think about the girl 5 elliptical trainers down that is trying to keep her organic spinach strawberry and hemp smoothie from shooting out of her piehole.
2. Just because you're awesome, doesn't mean you need to draw more attention to yourself.  This is mostly directed at the dudebro that insists upon grunting, hissing, barking, etc.  whilst attempting to push through 11 reps with a significantly weighted dumbbell that just might cause his head to spontaneously combust if asked to do one.more.rep.*GRRRRT*aaaahhhh*  Really man.  Really?  You are the pinnacle of manliness, which I'm sure you can tell by the trifold mirror you situate yourself in front of every day fervently concentrating on ensuring the manliest of faces is maintained at all times and completely failing to regard your seriously lacking form.  You, my friend, are the reason the gym posts signs reading "control your weights."
3. Your phone does not belong here.  I'm not sure if I'm speaking out of line here, but I'm pretty sure you are not nearly as important as you think you are.  So, leave it in your locker/car/bag/whatever and so.help.me. if you set it next to me with your Justin Bieber ring tone set to stun.  In the event you do truly need your phone, please do me a favor and exit the cardio area to conduct your conversations because "noise cancelling" headphones can only do so much to mask me from your deafening drawl there, Dallas.
4. Couples that work out together should not apply thy faces to any part of their sig-oth's person.  I'm not kidding, there was a couple in the gym yesterday that seriously made smoochies happen with.every.rep.  *barf*  I don't care how gloriously adorable y'all are.  Please, turn on the TV, put some QVC on, in 6 monthly payments you can have a gym of your own to make out in.
5. Rules are rules for a reason.  Clean the machines after use.  This is absolutely essential.  Not an option.  There are little wipes and bins everywhere, it takes less time to clean than it does to tie your shoes... so just do it.  k.thx.

Thank you.  :-*